True Confessions: One Man's Search for Meaning

A recent study of college freshmen conducted by the Higher Education Research Institute of UCLA reported that a significant number of college undergraduates are actively engaged in a spiritual quest, with nearly half reporting that they consider it “ essential” or “very important” to seek opportunities to help them grow spiritually (see the report online at http://www.spirituality.ucla.edu/, p. 4). The search for meaning and purpose in life is as old as the human race and is alive and well today.

The Christian tradition offers rich testimony to the lives of people who have embarked upon the spiritual quest. One of the most famous was Augustine of Hippo, who lived from 354 to 430. Though Augustine lived some sixteen centuries ago, he still has much to teach us about searching for meaning, purpose and truth in life and about being found by God. As Augustine himself acknowledged, he was a person with a “restless heart” that would not be not satisfied with anything less than the absolute.

Augustine was born in rural North Africa at a time when it was dominated by the Roman Empire and Latin culture. His mother, Monica, was a fervent Christian while his father, Patrick, was not baptized until he was on his deathbed. Augustine’s father was a difficult person, prone to anger and given to infidelity. Augustine had ambivalent feelings about his schooling as a youth, citing the stern tactics of some of his teachers. Nevertheless, at the age of 19 he began to read Cicero and other Latin masters of prose and poetry. He pursued a classical education and was trained as a teacher of rhetoric, a distinguished profession in his day. Augustine’s reading of Cicero and other ancient authors convinced him that he should engage in the higher pursuit of wisdom and not settle for a life of self-indulgence. For Augustine, this would prove to be easier said than done.

In the midst of his quest for wisdom, Augustine struggled with his own passions and with relationships. A person who cherished the companionship of others, Augustine fell in love with a young woman of a lower social class with whom he had a son named Adeodatus. Though he sincerely loved this woman and was faithful to her for many years, the entire affair would end tragically. Ambitious for professional advancement, Augustine later broke off his relationship with her in order to try to find a woman of higher social standing. Adeodatus, whom he loved deeply, died at age 17. Augustine knew firsthand the grief and the regret that come with broken relationships and the experience of loss.

Augustine’s search for truth continued throughout these experiences. Perplexed by the reality of evil and the prevalence of innocent suffering in the world, he became an “auxiliary member” of a religious sect called the Manichees. This group, an eclectic offshoot of Christianity, thought they had the answer to the mystery of suffering. They envisioned the universe as the site of a cosmic conflict between two primal forces – a power of light and a power of darkness. Augustine eventually became disillusioned with this sect and more engaged by the writings of prominent philosophers in the tradition of Plato. Reading these philosophers enabled him to deepen his spiritual quest. Having moved to Milan to pursue his career, Augustine was eventually influenced by the great bishop and theologian, Ambrose. Ambrose, also trained in philosophy, served as a spiritual guide for Augustine, helping him integrate the truths he had learned from philosophy with the truth of the Christian gospel. It was while under the guidance of Ambrose that Augustine had his conversion, when he was 33 years old. Here’s how it happened.

In a state of profound confusion and near emotional breakdown, Augustine cried out to God for light and mercy. It was then that he was led to read a passage from Paul’s Letter to the Romans (Rom. 13:13-14), in which Paul had urged the Christians in Rome “to put on the Lord Jesus Christ and make no provision for the flesh in its lusts.” Augustine was convinced that these words were meant for him. In his autobiographical work Confessions, he describes what he felt at that moment: “At once, with the last words of this sentence, it was as if a light of relief from all anxiety flooded into my heart. All the shadows of doubt were dispelled.” (Book VIII, xii, 29) A few months later he was baptized and went on to become bishop of Hippo and one of the greatest pastors and teachers in the history of the Church.

In his Confessions Augustine gives us a glimpse into the depths of his soul. He is fiercely honest about his personal struggles and self-revelatory about his motivations and desires. Reflecting on his own journey, Augustine became convinced of the primacy of God’s grace in his life. He was painfully aware of how difficult it is to discover what is truly good and to act upon that discovery, Augustine realized that he was in need of God’s grace healing his heart, reorienting his desires, and leading him to that truth which is God himself. In one of the most heartfelt passages in all of Christian literature, Augustine describes his search for God and God’s action in his life:

“Late have I loved you, beauty so old and so new: late have I loved you. And see, you were within and I was in the external world and sought you there, and in my unlovely state I plunged into those lovely created things which you made. You were with me, and I was not with you. The lovely things kept me far from you, though if they did not have their existence in you, they had no existence at all. You called and cried out loud and shattered my deafness. You were radiant and resplendent, you put to flight my blindness. You were fragrant, and I drew in my breath and now pant after you. I tasted you, and I feel but hunger and thirst for you. You touched me, and I am set on fire to attain the peace which is yours. (Confessions, Book X, xxvii, 38)

With these passionate words, Augustine could be speaking for any one of us. Sometimes it takes us a long time to discover the way to God and the path that God is calling us to take in our lives. In that search, we often take a few wrong turns along the way. And sometimes we find ourselves seeking our fulfillment in created things which, though not necessarily bad in themselves, become obstacles to our happiness if we idolize them. These “created things” may be tangible possessions or intangibles like status, power, or career advancement. Augustine recognized though, that even when he was lost in his passions and felt distant from God, God was never far from him. Rather, God was “with” him. And he affirmed that in his confusion God took the initiative to lead him home: “You called and cried out loud and shattered my deafness. You were radiant and resplendent, you put to flight my blindness.” The radiant light of God’s grace illumined his search and drew him to discover the presence and mercy of God. This grace transformed his life, enabling him to live in friendship with the God who is inexhaustible love and exquisite beauty.

Each of us is filled with passion for many things. Our desires can lead us to a self-absorbed lifestyle that exploits others and is ultimately self-destructive. Augustine found this out the hard way. But if we, like Augustine, pay attention to our deeper desires, our more profound passions, we can be led to give ourselves in committed love to God and to the people God puts in our lives.

After a long, arduous search, Augustine was able to “give his life away” through the power of God’s grace present and active in his life. His life became marked by deep contemplation of God and zeal for the care of God’s people. Augustine invites us to listen to our deeper desires and to allow the energy that comes from our passions to impel us to commitment to God and to others.

Fr. Robin Ryan, CP