Sexuality: Encouraging a healthy, holy love life

Sex is everywhere – from the romantic to
the risqué – we’ve seen it all.  Turn on the television or stop by your
local newsstand and you’ll find that the media is saturated with scantily clad
bodies and images of sexuality.   Within the mainstream culture, the
topic of sex is nearly impossible to escape.  What are young adults
saying?  What does the church say?  How are we as ministers called to
respond?

While young adults are not always able to
articulate the wisdom behind the church’s tradition, most young adults know
exactly where the church stands on the major issues of sexuality – premarital
sex, cohabitation, abortion, birth control, homosexuality.  In my work with
college students and young adults (those in their 20’s and 30’s), I’ve had a
number of opportunities to listen and talk with young adults on the topic of sex
– both from the standpoint of popular culture and about what the church
teaches. 

While some agree with the church more than
others, many young adults today view the church as unrealistic or
irrelevant.  There is a sense that the church holds a “just say no”
attitude when it comes to sex.  The church is often seen as having a rigid
set of rules and is quick to condemn those who fail to comply.  In their
eyes, the church is viewed as old-fashioned and out of touch with reality. 
Quite simply, young adults do not see their religious beliefs as compatible with
their lived experience. 

Young adult’s actions and opinions vary
widely when it comes to sexuality.  On one side there is the chastity
movement, which consists of a growing number of young people who for various
reasons (fear of disease/pregnancy, their own sense of integrity) have chosen to
pursue a life of chastity and remain celibate until marriage. 

For other young adults, sex became a rite
of passage during their teenage years and is now simply par for the course as
far as dating goes.  Casual sex is not uncommon among young adults, as is
sex within committed dating relationships.  However, in an age when people
are getting married later in life, there are a growing number of young adults
who find themselves asking “what do I do when dating leads to sex, but the
relationship does not lead to marriage?”

Other questions about sex range from the
physical to the interpersonal:  How much physical intimacy is
appropriate?  How far can I go on the first date?  the third
date?  How do I get to know this person beyond the superficial?  
How do we build emotional intimacy, not just physical intimacy?  One of us
is Catholic the other is not, should I be concerned about this? 

These are not easy questions for young
adults, and there aren’t always easy answers.  What young adults need is a
place to share their experience and voice their struggles without feeling
judged.  The challenge for ministers is to help young adults find answers
that are relevant and realistic in today’s society while still upholding the
tenets of our faith.  So, how do we respond? 

Sexuality:  A healthy, holy, love
life

My hope is for young adults to have a
healthy and holy vision of sexuality that is based in selfless love.  This
may seem somewhat counter-cultural, especially in a society that has reduced sex
to purely physical pleasure.  In some ways, it even challenges the church’s
vision of sexuality, which is too often articulated only in terms of procreation
and marriage.  What young adults need today is a healthy and holy
understanding of sexuality that promotes loving and life-giving
relationships.

HEALTHY:  We are all sexual beings – whether
we are married, single, ordained, religious, men, women, everyone!  Our
sexuality is a completely natural part of who we are, which includes all of our
feelings and hormones, as awkward as they may be at times.  Unfortunately,
many of us grew up with negative messages surrounding sex.  Maybe we
inherited those messages from our parents or maybe we had a sexual experience
that was somewhat ungraceful or possibly painful.  The truth is that sexual
feelings are normal, healthy, and good.  A healthy sense of sexuality
involves finding appropriate ways to respond to sexual feelings without
repressing them.  There is more to sexuality than sexual intercourse. 

HOLY:  While a healthy sexuality is grounded
in the physical reality that we are sexual beings, a holy sexuality understands
that God made us this way.  Sexuality and spirituality are directly
linked.   Ultimately, sexuality is about experiencing the power of
God’s love through the appropriate use of our bodies.  Sexuality is that
deep and innate desire to connect with others, to create with others, and to
share life with others.  Genital sex is only one expression of that
desire. 

The church teaches that sex is both unitive
and procreative.  Engaging in healthy sexual intercourse within the context
of marriage strengthens the bonds of love, and it bears many gifts including
bringing children into the world.  In other words, sexuality is both life
giving and makes God’s love present in the world.   While sexual
intercourse is reserved for marriage, this life-giving and love-producing
element of sexuality is experienced by all of us – married and
single.  

LOVE:  One of the best euphemisms we have for
sex is “making love”.  If sexuality is about making God’s love more present
in the world, then we have to think about love as an action not an
emotion.  Love isn’t something that you feel, it’s something that you
do.  We show love.  We create love.  We make love.  
The question for young adults today is “Who are you in love with?  And how
are you going to show it?”   It’s not simply about who I am
dating.  The same passion and love that is experienced in romantic
relationships can also be used to energize our friendships, families, and work
relationships. 

LIFE:  Sexuality used well is life-giving and
makes love present in the world.  As a church, we tend to think of
life-giving as bearing children and making love as having sex, and therefore
limited to marriage.  The truth is that all of us – married, single,
celibate – have the ability to share God’s love with others and bring life into
the world.  New life expresses itself through child birth, adoption,
friendship, teaching, visiting a sick friend in the hospital, bringing joy to
people through the gift of music, or celebrating the Eucharist.  New life
abounds when we use our creative energies to give birth, make lives whole, and
bring people together.  

Finally, some practical advice for
responding to young adults about sex: 

1.  Build trusting relationships with
the young adults to whom you minister.  Listen to them, dialogue with them,
spend time with them, and take them seriously.  The person who is
trustworthy with small matters will be trusted with great ones.  They may
have less life experience, but their experiences are no less meaningful. 

2.  Listen without judgment. 
Young adults need a safe place to share their stories and wrestle with tough
issues.  Always keep the door to conversation open and ask questions that
provoke discussion.  Tell me more.  What else is going on?  What
are your friends saying?  Do you think there is any wisdom in what the
church teaches?  Why or why not?

3.  Sexuality is not an easy topic to
discuss.  Even as ministers, we’re often not comfortable talking about
it.  Have a healthy sense of your own sexuality.  Know what you are
comfortable talking about and what issues are uncomfortable or
embarrassing.  Consider whether your own life is a reflection of a healthy
and holy attitude toward sexuality. 

4.  People in their 20’s and 30’s are
going to make their own decisions.  Support them by giving them the tools
and insights needed to make wise decisions, and then trust them to think for
themselves. 

By Beth Knobbe

Beth Knobbe is a Master of Divinity student at Catholic Theological Union
in Chicago, and she works as a Campus Minister at the Sheil Catholic Center at
Northwestern University in Evanston, IL.